Problem or Opportunity? How to Know For Sure...

As a young child, you learned that screaming got you the attention you wanted. Later on in life you’ve learned that screaming is not a productive long term strategy for navigating life. 

Well, why is that? What changed?

Have you ever heard the phrase: when emotions go high, intellect goes low? You understand later in life that acting out on emotions is no bueno —but this isn’t always an unconscious effort. Our greatest personal challenge is to avoid our unconscious tendency to blindly repeat behaviors simply because they worked in the past. But have they really?

I remember the moment I knew for sure a behavior pattern I had was a problem… 

In a past relationship, I felt that staying in it was the right thing to do… We had our happy moments, but there were way more times that we were unhappy and it felt utterly unhealthy. 

I remember how we clashed so hard and how often it happened... I didn't even know why and what we both needed. I used to raise my voice when I felt not understood, or not seen... I knew we both needed a wakeup call… and when I shared my concerns, all he did was sit on the couch, watch sports while drinking beer and get together with his buddies… All I wanted was to work on us so we could enjoy each other. I didn't even know what it looked like, but I knew that there was more for us to experience together… have you ever felt like that?

I remember the moment I had the courage to say that despite the love we had for each other, what we were experiencing in our relationship was not aligned with my values and with the relationship I envisioned to have. At that time, I was 34 and was studying and learning from great role models, reading books, going to seminars. I knew the strategies and principles to create a healthy loving and passionate relationship. But what I realized was that I needed a mentor to fast track the learnings so I could change my behavior patterns. Because raising my voice for him to hear me was not the right approach...

Often, we remain stuck in a pattern that no longer serves our greater purpose. When we become consciously aware that we can change our patterns, we are empowered to move forward in more productive ways. Truly conscious and empowered individuals view each situation with a critical eye, taking into account the unique circumstances available in each opportunity and doing something about it. 

What I desired was to be in a healthy thriving passionate relationship that I felt adored, heard, seen and understood. That my heart felt safe. That we are both in the relationship to support one another’s well being and dreams. What I really wanted was to be loved. There were times love was present and there were other times love wasn't there at all… many times, it felt like love got taken away… it often felt very conditional. And what I really wanted was to experience unconditional love in a romantic relationship. 

Then I hit the wall... He said he would support me in finding a mentor but he wasn’t going to join me on this discovery. With words that cut like a knife, he said: “You’re the emotional one - I’m fine. Find some help for yourself.”  I remember that day. I cried inconsolably… I felt everything was wrong with me… I felt wrong for being emotional. For being a woman. And I also vividly remember telling myself… I'm not going to settle for this any longer. I didn't know where I was, whether the man I was with wanted to understand me or love me. I remember saying I won't stand for this as this is not a relationship where I can be vulnerable, I can’t share how I feel. My heart wasn't safe.

3 months after I waited to see if he would change his mind, I realized if I wanted to one day experience where my relationship vision, I had to develop myself and bring in new resources. 

When I realized I was the common denominator of my relationship issues, I took matters into my own hands and started reading all the different biographies from people I knew had found greatness in their relationships. But quickly, I became overwhelmed with the amount of books, and strategies that are out there… I needed to find new perspectives, to get strategies and what I needed was to change my story.  My mindset was not serving me and what we do when that happens? We usually turn to our friends because most of us don’t have role models in our families… and I started chatting with most of them but quickly found out that they weren't in happy healthy loving relationships… they were just telling me all the bad things that were happening in their lives….  Have you ever felt that? It's like the blind leading the blind, right?

Then, there is Google which so quickly turned into an overwhelming platform of resources after resources… You know, all of that advice… what's right, what's wrong? You can find anything out there. I was like how am I going to source through all of this and I didn't have the time to go read all these books I bought on relationships. Have you ever done that? I was exhausted!

The best path for me was to hire a coach who has done all of this research, implemented and found success using specific strategies and resources. I knew that by having somebody who's already walked down the path and could give me the shortcut to what this ultimate relationship vision I had for myself looked like, what tools and strategies could I use, but also how to change the story that was holding me back. And that is when I decided to hire a coach.

That was my achievement. The 1 thing that made a difference for me was to hire a coach. At that time, I hired a life coach and then it quickly turned out that the thing we talked about the most was relationships… We focused on improving the relationship with myself first and then worked on understanding romantic relationships later. And by working on understanding my beliefs, values, identity and rules around relationships, I had multiple breakthroughs and turned my problems into opportunities. 

I learned then that improving the relationship with myself would set the tone for every relationship in my life. The coach helped me knock down beliefs that were preventing me from having the healthy, loving, thriving, and passionate relationship I so desired and deserved. What I was tolerating within me, then became tolerable in relationships. 

The real transformation was discovering my values and creating new empowering beliefs as a whole woman, knowing what makes me, you know, lovable and caring and worthy of love by just simply being. You see, my beliefs were guiding my decisions and they kept me going from one bad relationship to another bad relationship….  The common denominator was me and if I didn't learn to understand myself first, those behaviors patterns would persist and the ultimate cost would be not to experience unconditional love. 

This is only possible when you become consciously aware of your power to change your beliefs and learn to align an identity with the values that serve you, not limit you. 

Ready to smash your limiting beliefs? Learning to have a loving and healthy relationship with yourself is really in alignment with what I have been teaching for so many years.

I knew for sure my problems were my opportunities to evolve as a human being and as a woman. You see, your greatest gifts come from your deepest pain, but only when you shut off the autopilot in your head and transform your problems into opportunities to learn, grow and give to others. Viewing behavioral patterns with a critical eye allows you to identify what no longer serves your greater purpose. When you master your emotions and understand your belief system, you start giving different meanings to life’s experiences and you end up mastering your love life.

This is what I teach in "Your Emotional Blueprint", a course designed to help you discover what prevents you from having everything you want in life and relationships. I leverage my education, along with my personal and professional experience of helping hundreds of clients to help you significantly improve the relationships with yourself first so it is a reflection of your external relationships.

Learn more about this course at braveheartscoaching.com!

With Love,
Bianca