How on earth has this been happening to you? Learn why, break the cycle and start enjoying healthy relationships now.
This week I want to tackle a subject that was a blind spot me in the past and I see successful men and women falling for this trap over and over again. It’s a really important topic if you are a successful yet highly sensitive, compassionate and empathetic person.
Being one myself, I learned the hard way the reasons why I was attracting narcissists into my life and I want to share how on earth you’ve been attracting toxic people into your life, what to do to break this cycle once and for all, and learn to move forward attracting healthy relationships.
If you're reading this blog post, chances are you’re an educated, high achiever, compassionate and empathetic person who has attracted narcissist people into your life. An empath is someone who is naturally in tuned with how others are feeling, a caring, compassionate, a natural caregiver, someone who can feel people’s energies on a very deep level and who can get very drained quickly if in the wrong environment, or even social settings surrounded by people with a fixed mindset and opposite values. Empaths are loving and loyal at fault sometimes because they believe and see the good in everyone. These are great qualities to have, the downfall for empaths is that since they want to believe that everyone is like them, and without knowing how, they become a magnet to attract narcissists, unhealthy and toxic people. If this resonates with you, your empath genes and sensibility make you capable to see things within people that perhaps themselves can’t even see. You can have compassion and empathy for the fact that the person you’re with went through some hardships in the past which caused them to have certain bad behavior patterns, outbursts and because you love hard and are loyal at fault, you want to nurture and care for the person with the intention to help and make the relationship work at all costs.
The hardest part for an empath is to identify unhealthy behaviors in the early stages. Even harder if you’re a codependent empath. The more personal development you do, the more you will strengthen the muscles needed to have the necessary skills to help you detect these signs early enough before you form a relationship because one thing I guarantee you: you won’t stop being compassionate and caring. This is the reason why it is very important to know the signs of an unhealthy relationship so you can address them with your partner. And in the situations you have spotted the signs and kept loving the person because you’re an empath, it’s important to review if you’re not giving, loving, and caring because you are codependent. If this is the case, you become a supply for the narcissist and very shortly you will find yourself in an abusive relationship. Majority of codependents are highly empaths, they care so much and want to help others that become an issue in the relationship.
Narcissists, on the other hand, are apathetic people, self-absorbed, self-centered, in need of narcissistic supply from other people outside of themselves because they can’t fill themselves up nor they have any desire to learn how to become their own source of healthy emotions. They have a very fragile ego and are often self-entitled people. When a codependent empath who is a natural caregiver meets a narcissist who is a natural taker, you can see how this unhealthy dynamic even starts and is doomed to fail. Narcissists will groom their targets in the beginning of the relationship, do all the right things to win the person over, to hook the empath in to believe that they are the love of their lives, and codependent empaths fall for it every time, either when they’re in love, already in the relationship for a long period of time, moved in, engaged or married, have kids with this person, and the worst is that narcissists know you will not go anywhere. Because empaths want a normal and healthy relationship and codependent empaths come from lack into the relationship, they do anything possible to make it work, they don’t quit easily when there are bumps on the road, they don’t jump ship… They love hard, they go all in, they’re loyal to a fault and when these values are not reciprocated, it backfires and it plays against what they desire the most - a healthy relationship.
This is when the abuse starts happening. It may begin with emotional and verbal abuse or sexual and/or physical cycle abuse altogether. This is where the mask of the narcissists starts to fall off. They are abusers and they need to be with people that are enablers, people that forgive their bad behaviors time and time again. The world revolves around them, it’s always about what they need, and when you express what is important for you, and call them out on certain behaviors and start putting boundaries for them to respect, the abuse escalates very quickly.
Even if they apologize and ask for forgiveness, they will love bomb you, they will say and do all the right things, bringing you back to the stages when you first started dating or fell in love with each other, and they will continue to do the abusive cycle. Even when an apology is given, which is extremely rare since they live in denial and have zero compassion for other people’s feelings, most likely the apology is insincere and without any change in behaviors.
PAY ATTENTION! This is when you, the highly emotional, caring, and loving empath will start having cognitive dissonance where you will be seeing behaviors that are very different from the person you started dating which will make you question your insanity. Remember your values, your needs and your worth. You’re NOT crazy! The bits and pieces you will start seeing are the masks of the narcissists coming off. It’s such a mental, psychological, and emotional drain that you will easily get trapped in this relationship for a long period of time if you don’t listen and trust your intuition. You don’t believe in what you see, you’re often confused, with inner conflicts because you’re loyal and loving and feel awful to even consider talking to the person about their abusive behaviors, let alone considering ending the relationship, which makes you stay if you’re a codependent empath and take the abuse over and over.
Being a natural giver and an empath myself, I had to learn to spot these signs earlier on and learn how to keep my empathy in check, not to give to someone who doesn't deserve it, who haven’t earned it, who I haven’t built a healthy foundation yet. The most important thing is to learn how to set boundaries and enforce them so you don’t end up giving your love and heart naively to unhealthy people. Really tough lesson I learned to get to this point.
If you’re a codependent empath, you need and crave love and you have a fear of being abandoned or alone. These emotional wounds inside of you need to be treated and healed otherwise you will continue to be in an abusive relationship. If how you fill your love tank comes from external factors only, you will continue to be a magnet for narcissists because they will give you what you are lacking in the initial phase of the relationship to hook you in so they can get what they want out of you and abuse you. And the unhealthy cycle continues and continues after that.
How do empaths stop attracting narcissists into their lives? If you are a codependent empath, that needs to be addressed first. In my signature program, we work together to learn your emotional blueprint and tackle this upfront so you can solidify the most important relationship in your life, which is the relationship with yourself, and break free from an unhealthy person. Secondly, you need to learn what abuse looks like. This was one of my BIGGEST blind spots, and I can tell you from personal experience, it is not easy to spot at first, especially verbal and emotional abuse from a narcissistic person. Physical and sexual types of abuse in a relationship are easier to spot but I’ve seen all of these signs often be overlooked by someone who is a codependent empath. Gaslighting, silent treatment tactics, passive-aggressive behaviors become very common and frequent in an unhealthy relationship.
How do you know these things when they are not taught in our educational system? You don’t. Most likely, you are still reading this blog post because you’re in an abusive relationship or have been in one. My job is to bring this awareness to the world, guide my clients to healthier relationships with themselves and others, and continue to push to have emotional intelligence in our educational system from early childhood stages. This will undoubtedly diminish abusive relationships, suicide rates and will improve everyone’s quality of life.
Another way to end this vicious cycle is to delve into personal development. Read books, blog posts from accredited professionals like myself, listen to audiobooks, podcasts, HIRE A COACH, a therapist who can help you heal your emotional wounds and give you insights on how to spot these signs so you can have a healthy relationship and live powerfully. We all have 2 fears in life: we are not enough and therefore we won't be loved. When you learn to love yourself, learn your needs and values so you can have a healthy relationship with yourself first, you end up attracting what’s healthy and what’s good into your life because you won't accept any lower standard than the one you live in. You will not accept anyone into your life that will ruin the happiness and healthiness that have built into your life. So if you love yourself, and you know what you think, what you feel, what’s important to you, you trust your intuition, and you don’t allow anyone to gaslight you, you know what a healthy, good, loving relationship looks like, even if you’ve never had one.
It’s very important to learn how to communicate your needs, wants, feelings and desires in any relationship. It is equally important to set boundaries and enforce them so people can respect you. With healing and personal development work done, these important things will be in place, and you will not be a narcissistic supply to any abuser ever again.
If you have any question related to this topic, please grab a free discovery call on my calendar and let's connect!
Much love to you,