The idea of finding the one is problematic for relationships. We know that if we have couple of choices, it makes deciding easier. But when we have over 10 people to choose from, it creates a real sense of anxiety.
That paradox of choice is not doing well for us in society. It is forcing us to “know for sure” that we have selected ‘The One’, to feel certain about something that we can’t feel certain about.
And even when we think we have found ‘The One’, then comes the question we all dread on answering…
What does that mean?
It means a projection. And it goes like this… ‘You are the one' so fantastic that you have made me stop looking. ‘You are the one’ who have captivated my imagination, that will make me no longer look for another person in this human supermarket online dating world we live in, you must then be phenomenal. 'You are the one' who have made me stop my inner conflicts. Now I feel certain, I think you will meet all my needs, which is a phenomenal list.
Here is the trap with this external projection…
Never before we have so many people investing in love and never before we have been so disillusioned by it because people are depositing all of their wants and desires on "The One" - the phenomenal person - that would normally get from an entire community!
The phenomenal person list goes like this... You must be my best friend, my passionate lover, my intellectual equal, a devoted co-parent, you will be the person I will never feel alone again, in your presence I will always feel wonderful, and cared for, and beautiful, and smart, and the sense of security, stability, adventure, mystery, uncertainty, etc…
Do you get what’s happening? It is a phenomenon all over the world… This notion that one person can be ‘The One’ is a trap because we all know one person can't be everything.
Nobody, no matter how phenomenal they are, will be able to satisfy all your needs. It is a set up for frustration, for disappointment and for disillusion.
So, what do you have with a person you can think it is 'The One'? You have a person you can build a story with, and that's it. Do you want certainty? You can be sure that the story will have plenty of hiccups. There is something about the shared values, the shared interest, the attraction, the excitement you feel in their presence, the eagerness you have to build a life together that is worth paying attention when you are selecting a partner. In summary, do you have long term compatibility beyond common interests, that will allow you to write the stories of each chapter together on this beautiful journey called life?
And isn’t true that when you write a story, you edit it, you change what doesn’t fit, you add what is of value, and you know it is never a perfect story? Every couple has issues. The only question when finding ‘The One’ is: which issues do you want to deal with? You pick person A, you will deal with certain issues. You picked person B, you will deal with different set of issues.
As I wrote on a previous post related to this topic: Date for alignment, for viability, not for impulse. It means more than fantastic chemistry or phenomenal projection.