What do you do when the memories of different past experiences make you fearful about open up and love again?
At the core of every human being, we all have 2 predominate fears. Fear that 'I’m not good enough' and the fear that if 'I am not good enough, I won’t be loved'. Despite past romantic experiences, we all still believe and desire to be in a healthy, thriving and loving relationship. I’ve experienced fear in the past and still experience it as fear is part of our lives. Our brain was designed for us to survive, so it is constantly looking for what’s wrong and in this search, it can make us fearful. I see this emotional pattern often in my private practice, and it is followed by a common question: how do I love when I'm fearful?
Let me share some insights and tools which I guide my clients to use when fear shows up.
One of our primary needs as human beings is to feel connected and loved. Most people settle for connection because true love is perceived as being “too scary”. If you ever felt like having a successful relationship seems farfetched and unrealistic because of the disappointments you have gone through in the past, what’s holding you back are blind spots and there is NOTHING WRONG with you. Up to discover these blind spots and love fearlessly? Let's do this!
Regardless of your belief system, if it is God, the Universe, Buddha, or infinite intelligence, the first choice you will have to make in order to experience real love is to know your values and trust yourself again. Even at times when you don’t feel you can trust because of the hardships you’ve endured in the past, there is no magic pill for this step. Knowing your values and trusting in yourself again will begin the process of attracting a good match who shares similar values. Remember how strong and resourceful you are to overcome any disempowering emotions, such as anxiety, hurt, fear, worry, sad, not being loved or lovable, etc. When these feelings surface, choose to focus on empowering feelings you have experienced in the past that are the opposite of those which you are experiencing now. Breathe how you breathe when you feel love, connected, centered, present with a loved one. Say to yourself or out loud the truth about who you are at your core essence, when you speak from your heart. This tool will help you shift what you are experiencing in the moment and the more you practice, the more you will experience an empowered emotional state.
For example, when you feel fearful and sad, you have a choice to trust, love and have faith. This will be the first step towards experiencing freedom and true love that resides inside of you. Because we don’t know how long we will live and how long love lasts in any relationship but we can control how we are going to live and love ourselves and others, it really comes down to choosing how you will show up each moment. Relationships lived in fear is not a life worth living for. And if you are skeptical about these insights and implementing this tool, I get you. I've been you. I thought all of this was motivational and some hypnosis strategy to take care of the problem at a surface level. Until the day I decided to learn for application instead of accumulating knowledge, and trust on the guidance I was receiving from the best in the field of psychology and human behavior.
But if you are still asking 'how can I love fearlessly when there is so much fear being vulnerable with another person', keep reading.
The most effective way is to replace fear with love. But before you open yourself up to love again, the trust will come in the form of faith. Think about it - what is truly the difference between fear and faith? They are both some feelings we make up inside of us. Fear is making up what the future will be and so is faith. The difference is that fear is imagination undirected and faith is imagination directed. The difference between the two feelings is based on what you decide to focus on and believe. Since no one knows what the future holds for sure, the best way to open yourself to love again is to decide what you will believe on. Every moment life gives us an opportunity to choose if we will let our mind running wild and fearful, or if we will direct our thoughts to experience feelings like faith, trust, and love by choosing what to believe on, what serves you, your family, and others you love and care about.
Loving fearlessly is not an indication that you will not feel fearful ever again. It’s truly a choice to direct your thoughts to a more empowered and resourceful emotional state. Even when you direct your thoughts to get the love you want and desire, there is no guarantee. Just like anything else in life, what we focus on, we experience. And since there is no guarantee in anything in life, we are forced to face the truth about life. What life is about is not having absolute guarantees; it is about increasing our probabilities to experience what we envision for ourselves. And we all have this gift inside of us and we have to do our part by focusing on what we want versus being fearful. It’s when we face our fears and push past that resistance that we unleash our brave hearts and become someone we are proud to be and capable of loving ourselves and others unconditionally. Remember you more resourceful and stronger than you think or have experienced.
When you implement this simple strategy and apply it at a habitual level, you will experience a magnificent life where love is inside of you and that’s what quality people will be attracted to. You will experience love around you on a regular basis because you are not coming from a place of lack. It’s very important to fulfill yourself first with this kind of love so you can experience it for yourself, and then you will start experiencing from others and everything around you. Not only intimate love but all kinds of love. From nature, from children, from animals, flowers, strangers, etc.
Start training yourself to focus on where you want to go, what you want to experience instead of what you are afraid of. Check-in with yourself first and observe how you are directing your thoughts and what are you focusing on. If it is not serving you, change the focus to an empowering feeling of your choice and you will start experiencing that feeling. Move away from fear and choose trust, faith, and love instead. Choose to control your emotional states and even when fear shows up every now and then in the forms of failure, rejection, not being good enough, loss of a special person, and many other flavors of fear, remember to use this tool to start moving towards the feelings you want to experience in your relationship and life. Focus on what you have and not on what’s missing. With enough practice at a habitual level, in no time you will unleash your brave heart to love fearlessly and live powerfully!