Have you ever watched a TV series-- like one of my all-time favorites, Scandal-- and wondered about the love dynamic between the protagonists?
In Scandal, Olivia Pope plays a White House badass lawyer-turned-into-all-political-scandals-fixer who had an affair with the married presidential candidate, Fitz Grant, who ends up becoming the United States President.
As entertaining as the series has been, it is astonishing to see the influence that absent love in her childhood has on her adult relationships and on how she has learned to cope with it.
Unfortunately, many women are caught up in patterns of co-dependence and find themselves attached to absent love. Much like Olivia Pope's character who sought the love of an absent father, many women find themselves with a pattern that manifests as, "my father’s love is absent and I must search for it / find a way to get."
Throughout the show, Olivia falls for emotionally unavailable men whose love is absent, and when a real man who truly loves her appears in her life and asks for her in marriage, she finds a way to sabotage the relationship. Her description of love is: "I want painful, difficult, devastating, life-changing, extraordinary love", which is a similar pattern many women fall for. They feel an intense desire which they fantasize as 'real love' because they are reliving their intense childhood desire for real love and hoping to end it, or to meet it.
Absent love in adult women often looks like emotionally unavailable men. And when those women were little girls whose fathers were absent, physically or emotionally, they created fantasy fathers in their mind, grabbing pieces here and there from movies, books or neighborhood fathers and created the idealized father-- a projection of their perfect version of a man.
So when a real and emotionally available man comes along, these women often do not understand how to receive healthy love and instead look for ways to sabotage it, consciously or unconsciously, simply because they never received the absent form of love for no other reason than BEING themselves. This leads many women to be the pursuer in relationships and to chase love, just as they learned was necessary as children, over-serving and over-delivering to their partner because they believe that love has to be earned and worked for, like they had to do when little girls, instead of allowing love to come to them.
The pattern displayed by Olivia and countless women is just one of many that we uncover during "Your Emotional Blueprint" course, where together we evaluate romantic patterns, such as the way we give and receive love.
“Your Emotional Blueprint” is led by Mike McCafferty, a Family Counselor with 35 years experience, and yours truly, Bianca Veloso, a Relationship Strategist certified by the Robbins-Maddanes Training Center. Together, we work with clients to achieve extraordinary results in relationships. We build on individual strengths and address the issues that interfere with our clients’ overall ability to establish or maintain satisfying personal relationships. We provide the necessary tools and insights to create lasting change using NLP, NAC, solution-based humanistic approach to psychology. We uncover external factors and limiting beliefs that prevent women from experiencing true, healthy love in all their relationships. Additionally, we teach effective tools to break free from those vicious dating cycles and create lasting changes that make it possible to have a great relationship with another loving human being.
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